Definitely NOT on the list

Since the age of about 8 I've had a penchant for trashy novels. Yeah...eight. My mom was not one to censor my reading choices. I remember reading Flowers in the Attic when I was in fourth grade. It's still one of my favorite books, but let's face it -- the main focus of that series is on a sexual relationship between a brother and sister. Needless to say, I did not acquire Flowers in the Attic through the scholastic book order.

Anyway, the point is that I still read romance novels from time to time. They're escapist, steamy and usually hilarious. Unfortunately, much of the actual "romance" is gone for me. I realized by the age of ten that 99% of romance novels are as formulaic as a Kate Hudson movie. Romance novels basically run on templates. There are maybe 15 to choose from, especially in the genre I read -- "historical" [he he] romance. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. The Lady is a Tramp: Breathtakingly beautiful virginal woman gets lost in a bad part of town and is mistaken for prostitute. She is presented to a dashing, strapping, well-endowed man who has his way with her...romance ensues.

2. The Lying Lover: Impossibly handsome rake who has quite the reputation with the ladies spies astonishingly beautiful virgin (often at a ball doing something quirky like spying on someone or stealing food) and decides he must have her. For whatever reason he cannot be straight forward with her so comes up with a ruse to make her his(frequently he says he's helping her find a husband - not himself.) Romance ensues...and how!

3. Lady in Drag: A virgin girl of unparalleled beauty dresses like a boy for some reason. Really, this happens ALL the time. A man with impossibly wide shoulders, chiseled features and the seductive powers of 10 men is at first annoyed by her/him but then realizes that he's a woman, baby. She never knows he knows and there's inevitably an awkward scene where he's trying to make out with a "boy." Romance ensues.

4. Terms of Endearment: Either the virginal girl with the body of a woman and porcelain skin or the toweringly tall man with a chest like a brick wall who smells of soap and manliness, gets very sick. The one nurses the other back to health. In so doing they invariably learn the other's life story through his/her delerious (yet surprisingly lucid and thorough) muttering. Ex: "No, no -- don't take advantage of me Uncle John Smith," or "Dammit Martin, my only brother, why didn't I take that bullet during the war?" The nurse bathes the other's naked body throughout the illness. This causes the woman who was bathed to blush "to her roots" and if it's the man, he smiles arrogantly/seductively. Romance ensues.

On the heels of the depressing Kristin Lavransdatter I turned to Johanna Lindsey -- a very prolific American romance writer. Here are some of the ACTUAL titles of her books:

Savage Thunder
A Loving Scoundrel
Warrior's Woman
The Devil Who Tamed Her
Captive of my Desires

How awesome are they?!? A trend that has begun in the last 20 years in the genre is to tell the story of not just one lucky, gorgeous couple, but of all of the siblings and friends of that lucky couple. For example, in the first Lindsey book that I read -- "Tender Rebel" we meet James Malory and Georgina Anderson. "Tender Rebel" mixes templates, as only the best novelists do, using both "Lady in Drag" and "Terms of Endearment." Anyway, there are NINE offshoot books about James's and Georgina's brothers, nieces, nephews, friends etc. My favorite is "Tender Rebel" (Lying Lover, The Lady is a Tramp) which tells the story of James' brother Anthony and his Scottish lass Rosalyn. Rosalyn says "och" a lot -- especially when she's being expertly aroused by Anthony.

But like any series, the more there are, the weaker and more watered down they get. The one I happened to pick up after Kristen Lavransdatter - "The Magic of You" attempts to spice things up by going outside the template, and also by marrying a distant Malory relative to one of Georgina's brothers -- Warren Anderson.

In order to abandon the template, Lindsey also had to abandon all illusions of being historically accurate. Amy Malory has, for reasons never explained, decided she wants to marry the dangerously handsome Warren. She throws herself at him shamelessly -- more Carrie from Sex in the City than 17-year-old 18th century English maid, and he grouchily turns her down over and over again, to the detriment of his frustrated, throbbing manhood.

This book is - so - bad. My favorite parts are when Lindsey tries to provide exposition through dialogue that is so unnatural you can actually feel the paper its written on cringing. Below are a couple of examples from a conversation that is happening between two cousins.

"When Uncle James gets in a fight, the poor victim doesn't usually walk away. My friend, Nick, found that out first-hand and nearly missed his wedding to our cousin Reggie because your father laid him up in bed for a week."

In real life the response to that would be, "No shit, moron, he's my dad. I was THERE. And you don't need to call our cousin Reggie "Our Cousin Reggie" -- I KNOW she's our cousin.

Another example:

"But I thought it was only Nick's wife, Reggie, whom they took such a personal interest in. They didn't bother with Amy's older sisters, Clare and Diana."

That would be like me having a conversation with my husband and saying, "Honey, your mom and dad, Louise and John, called and they wanted me to let you know that your older brother, Pat, and his girlfriend, Amy, are going to be coming over to their house on Malibu Drive in Edina tonight."

Men in these romance novels are usually monstrously huge -- even in 18th century England. They're super tall and if you touched them you'd think they'd been carved from granite. Everywhere. (If you know what I mean, wink.) For example, the description of Georgina's brothers, who have traveled all the way from America for the birth of her first son...cause I'm sure people back then made that kind of a trip all the time for such things...

"They did come inside, a veritable mountain of men filing past her. Two of them were just short of six feet, but the other three topped six feet by a good four inches... And all of them were too handsome for a young girl's composure to last very long."

As for the story, it's got your typical 10% background, 60% filler and 30% love scenes. The plot is skimmable, like all of them, but this one really gets an A for effort. There's something about an ancient vase, and Warren and Amy end up being captured on a boat owned by Chinese people. That part is awesome:

Chinese person who captured Warren: "Time is of no importance."
Warren: "How fortunate for you, but the rest of us live our lives by the clock. No deal, Mr. Liang."

I think Lindsey might have read a pamphlet written in 1948 about Chinese culture as her research, because her descriptions are pure cliche and outdated.

"The first meal, a bowl of rice and strange-looking vegetables in a tangy sweet sauce, had been delivered by a cheerful little fellow who called himself Taishi Ning. He was a stringbean of thinness (The metaphor of stringbean to indicate skinniness is particularly vivid and fresh) in his loose trousers and belted wraparound tunic, his thick black braid nearly as long as he was. Like Li, Taishi was no taller than Amy (Warren must tower over them!) How hard could it be to overpower him with the assistance of her rice bowl? Not hard a'tall."


I repeat:

"How hard could it be to overpower him with the assistance of her rice bowl?"

She tiptoes the line of racism occasionally, too:

Taishi: "Lookee what Taishi bring, little missee. Big-time good stuff. You no likee, I chop off cook's hand lickety-split. Big-time promise."

WTF???

In the end, our hero and heroine declare their mutual love for each other, with scenes of invading tongues, burning hardnesses and aching breasts sprinkled throughout. Amy and Warren (Amen? Like Brangelina?) are married and live happily ever after...yay!