Love in the Time of Gangrene

Now is not the time to discuss literature. Now is the time to discuss root canals.

Yesterday I had my first root canal. I am more than a coward when it comes to anything medical, but I specialize in dental cowardice. As is the case with all of my doctor/dentist visits, my visit last week was preceeded by excruciating pain. Slight twinges of pain or passing aches are as unheeded as the "check engine" light in my car. To occasion a doctor or dentist visit, my pain has to be at a level that I am either genuinely afraid for my life, or becoming dangerously close to preferring death over continuing in my present state.

The dentist prescribed antibiotics -- erythrymicyn because I am allergic to penicillin. As far as my body was concerned, it might as well have been syrup of ipecac mixed with time-release razor blades. Three words: Projectile. Bile. Vomiting. I had to give up that antibiotic experiment less than 24 hours in.

The dentist also prescribed an Ativan -- "oral sedation" for me to take an hour before the appointment. I was told, multiple times, that I would not remember the visit. Knowing you're going to have a Men In Black-type memory erasure after undergoing a horrible experience has its charms, but I was still highly anxious about the fact that I'd be totally conscious during the procedure...

I popped my Ativan yesterday at the exact right time. I was pleased to notice that I became pretty drowsy within about 15 minutes. When I stood up the world looked sort of wavy -- like I was seeing it through tears. When I got to the dentist they started jacking me up with novacaine. I've gotten pretty good about this, though it always sucks having needles jammed into your gums/jaw, it usually only lasts a sec and isn't THAT bad. For some reason they were having a hard time getting my lip to go numb so they had to send three different people in to jack me up more with novacaine. I think I had about 6 different shots in me when they finally got to work.

They put a little green condom over my entire mouth and isolated the tooth as much as they could. I was feeling fairly mellow, but wouldn't say that I was "sedated." I still uncontrollably wrung my hands during most of the procedure. All was actually going pretty well until they decided to shove a file done into a live nerve.

I jumped like I'd been electrocuted and the assistant kind of gasped and rolled her chair away from me. The dentist was calmer. She did not let my reaction stop her from continuing to needle at my nerve with the file. My breathing became eratic and tears ran out of my eyes. They jacked me up with more novacaine.

Long story short, they eventually finished. The doctor said that there was some significant "gangrenous" material that she washed out of my tooth. So...I had gangrene of the tooth. That's probably the most disgusting thing I've ever heard of in my life.

I went home and crashed and feel perfectly fine today. I still have to go in so they can do the "build-up" and I am optimistic that the experience will be much better.

I'd like now to review, not a book, but the drug Ativan:

Ativan is a cheap way to be orally sedated for a dental visit. It cost me $5 for enough pills to cover two dental appointments. It is supposed to make you so calm that you "don't care about" what's going to happen and you are not supposed to remember anything that happens when you take it. The chipper receptionist liked to make "funny" comments like, "make sure you don't turn on QVC because you'll buy stuff and not even know it!" or "I'd go home and watch a movie...that you've already seen!" and anecdotes, "This one man made his wife stop and buy him a Hawaiin shirt even though she said he'd never wear it. The next day he didn't even rmember buying it!" Tee Hee, isn't it all soooo amusing.

What. Ever. I remember every moment. Every painful moment. Ativan failed me miserably as an "amnesic" drug. It did make me sleepy and a little calmer, but it's totally misleading to equate taking this shitty little pill with the bliss that is IV sedation. I had IV sedation -- fully knocked out -- when my wisdom teeth were yanked and let me tell you -- it's funner than Disneyworld. I literally remember feeling euphoric throughout the entire experience. I was flying through blue and green vortexes, laughing and shouting for joy the entire time. Dentists like to claim similarities between oral and IV sedation -- that they are in the same ballpark. In answer to this claim, I believe Jules from Pulp Fiction says it best:

"Ain't no fucking ballpark neither. Now, look, maybe your method of [dental sedation] differs from mine, but you know [being a little groggy] and [being euphorically unconscious] ain't the same fucking ball park. It ain't the same league. It ain't even the same fucking sport. Look, [ativan] don't [do] shit."

Now, having said that, I do intend on taking an Ativan again for my next visit. It didn't hurt, and maybe it did help a little -- who knows. But I regard its effectiveness as about the same level as laughing gas -- in other words, pretty weak.


Rating

I award Ativan one out of a possible X-rays of a rotten molar: